The classic: What time is the midnight buffet? Super hilarious: A story that really happened: I tried to get hold of a passenger and phoned his cabin. He said: I can’t get out! Why? There is no door! No door? Well, there is one leading to the bathroom but from there I can’t get out! Do you see another door? Yes, but I can’t get out! Why? There is a “do not disturb” sign on it.
The wonders of a ship:
Do the crew sleep on board? (No, we fly them in in the morning) Does this elevator go up or down? Does the ship dock in the middle of town? Do the lifeboats really float? Does this elevator take me to the back of the ship? Does the ship generate its own electricity?
What happens to the ice sculptures once they are melted?
Are the entertainers paid?
Is the toilet flushed through a hole in the ship's bottom?
Do the Chinese do the laundry by hand?
Looking forward… Will we see dolphins in the morning? Can we look at the anchor? (When anchored!) What will the weather be like next Wednesday? (Uhum - how long is a piece of string?) Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Why are we not docked (urhhh... because there's no pier??) Cabin problems:
Can you move the lifeboat from our stateroom window?
How do I work the microwave in my stateroom? (It’s a safe!)
I'm claustrophobic... is there any chance of an upgrade?
If it’s raining, will I get wet in an outside cabin?
Is the water in the toilet salt water or fresh water? (Why don’t you taste it, buddy?)
Has this ship ever sunk before? (Hmm!)
What do I do with my life jacket after boat drill?? (Hmmm... lemme think...) (On embarkation day): How will the disembarkation procedure go?
Is the doctor qualified?
Will the ship wait for the tour buses to get back?
Will I get wet if I go snorkling?
Why does the ship not have cable?
In the dining room
Waiter, this gazpacho is cold. Get me a hot one.
I don't like lemon in my drinking water. (Hmm, this small platter serves to clean your fingers)
If I put on weight, will I have to pay extra?
Was the fish caught by the crew this morning?
Why do I have to wait until 3 o'clock to put my clock forward/ backward?
Or: Do we have to stay up until midnight to change our clocks?
Will this elevator bring me to my cabin?
How many fjords to the dollar?
Is the mail brought on by plane? At the photography gallery, a passenger asked: Without cabin numbers on them, how will I know which photograph is mine?
Why am I standing in this line? (Well, I don't know buddy, why ARE you standing in this line?) (On a cruise to nowhere) When are we docking at the first port? (Did you REALLY book this cruise yourself)? A French man clearly wants to impress the Ukrainian (!) captain on gala cocktail night while hand shaking: “VFDRGHJYTRGN?K (should be Russian or so). Captain answers: I don’t understand you. Retries : “CHJFDDTTYUBN”. I don’t understand you. The French pax starts in French. The Captain: I don’t understand you. Pax off.
Are there two sittings at the midnight buffet?
Is dinner in the dining room?
Where's the bus for the walking tour?
What time is the 2 o'clock tour?
When the ship is at anchor, can we walk ashore?
I'm married, but can I come to the singles party?
Should I put my luggage outside the cabin before or after I go to sleep?
Social moments: Americans
To my assistant: Which part of England are you from?... Australia??
Ahh - you're from Belgium... do you know David Smith?!!
Where you from? From Belgium! Belgium? Isn't that the capital of Brussels? Oh, you are from Bruges? Lovely, I find that the nicest place in Holland. (Aaargh)
Why don't they take our dollars in Tonga? (Maybe, they have another currency there?)
On formal night at Captain's Cocktail a lady states: Captain, you have a lovely boat. (The captain nearly throws up.)
Then continued: Who's driving the boat now?
(My favorite). American lady complaining after visiting a Greek island: I found the Greek ruins in an extremely poor state.
Another American lady: Why did the Greeks build so many ruins?